I dream of it all. The nice, cozy apartment, books overflowing on the shelves. A small corner with a nice chair I can read books or relax in. I dream of it like it’s my job. It helps me realize my goals and what I have to work for when I feel like I’m doing everything for no reason. I am doing it for a reason, though. I’m working hard to make that dream become a reality, and to sit down, with a steaming cup of sweet coffee, and be proud of how far I’ve come.
We’ve all had those moments, when you have to tell someone you may like them or see a future with them. Either it ends up in catastrophe, or you guys live on and start your journey. Telling you that I had fallen for you felt like this huge weight was off my shoulders, as if rocks had called my body home. I was afraid you would not feel the same way. I felt relieved, but so nervous and anxious at what you’d say. You told me that you had fallen for me, too. And the feeling of someone telling you they love you, when you already love them is something that can’t be compared to. I would love to live in that moment, just to bathe in those good feelings.
One thing that comforts me in life is sunsets. Weird, right? The natural beauty of the whole process is the only thing that never fails to amaze me. It’s as if there’s a fire in the sky, or an artist uses his most vibrant colors to pain beauty. Sunsets also bring a feeling of peace along with it, as it feels like a reminder to me. A reminder of God. Even though I struggle with my beliefs, the thought of God is a pleasant one. I pray my sight is one thing that never escapes from me, because I would miss these sights terribly.
I’m genuinely unhappy in life, but I don’t make it obvious. There is a pit deep within me that makes it so. Every morning I wake up and dread it entirely, I lie there longer than I should and wonder why I have to wake up another day. I’ve been feeling like this for as long as I can remember, even way back when I was a child. It hurts. I wonder why it hurts to live sometimes, even when nothing is wrong, and there’s reason to be happy. It’s still there, haunting me. I wonder why God gave me this test in life. Maybe I’ll be happy one day, or maybe this life wasn’t made for me to be happy. I just know I have to get through it in one peace. Writing is my escape, even if it’s for a mere minute. I’m grateful I get to share my words everyday.
For those who struggle with mental illnesses or suicidal thoughts, please know that you’re not alone. We’ll get through this, one day at a time. // April 14, 2017. On the road to better things.
There’s something so beautiful about the way flowers bloom and the leaves grow again. Their cycle is pleasant, and I reminisce over it at times. We, as people are the same. There are times where we die, whitening away through events and experiences, and then we grow again, from the ground up. Brand new, and sometimes stronger and more beautiful than the last time. // April 2017. 35mm.