I beat myself up over things I can’t control. To a point where I physically and mentally feel unworthy of well, anything. I can be keeping myself busy and it’ll all still be there, in the back of my mind, taunting me. It could be that I made a bad pass, didn’t sell enough, or even other peoples issues. There are many times where I’ve given up on myself, only to be picked up by the people closest to me.
I often look at pictures to feel better. Days where my mind decided to take a break from itself, to let me have peace. It feels weird and unnatural, but I know those days can happen. Those days where I can feel happiness, can happen. And I wait patiently for those days to come again.
It’s not that I chose to be distant.
I never wanted to lose you,
It just happened over time.
I journeyed down the wrong path.
You still live within me though,
the presence lingers in my mind and body.
I want to become closer to you so badly,
but my soul just feels so empty and numb.
Who knows, maybe we’ll be reunited someday.
In a way that our bond will be unbreakable.
But for now,
I walked down a different path,
And i wish to come back to you someday.
The problem comes up
when we start to lose our upbringing.
When we start to forget how we believed.
I went down a different path constantly,
hearing what others had to stay and getting lost
within their words.
I was foolish,
I threw away what i believed in because of
Now i am here,
Still, the only hope i have left
is knowing that the Most Merciful,
and the All Mighty is up there.
Guiding me like its my life plan all along,
waiting to bring me back to Him
when i am stronger
and a better person.
What does it take to be happy? I don’t know, I have never known. I’ve always thought it was genuinely given to a person, as if it was a gift from God. But it is learned. Something that can either take a few minutes, or even forever to learn. As a person who struggles with depression and anxiety, happiness comes in time. A long time, which needs a ton of patience. Sometimes the wait is unbearable, where you don’t know when you’ll finally be happy. You sit there, waiting, and waiting for the day to come. It’s as if you’re going to be freed from jail, but it can either be at any moment, a couple of years, or never. The jail is my mind, as if I’m tied down to my own thoughts and forced to overthink each and every one of them that race by. Happiness is learned. Happiness comes in time. Don’t get me wrong, I get happy. I’m grateful for all those moments where I can smile uncontrollably. But those moments come rarely now. And i wish they didn’t.