Ramadan is over. The month were one is supposed to attain forgiveness and strive to be the best is over. I mean, we’re supposed to be trying to do that every month, but Ramadan is the month were we give 110% effort. Towards the end of the month, it hit me hard. I had not done enough. I know everyone says they don’t do enough and that’s okay, but i seriously lacked in every department. Quran was barely read on my part, salaat was read in the same barren way as before. I really missed out on it, and that’s bad on my part.
I can make excuses all day. I can say how my summer class took most of the time (which it really did). I was doing essays upon essays, and writing whenever I was free. That still gives me free time to try though. To pray, to get back on track, to get in touch with how i once was. Even if I was busy, I still could have changed some of my actions. I was acting the same way as I was during the other months. I can sit here, being told by others that they didn’t do enough, but knowing I could have done so much more only hurts so much more.
I don’t know. Maybe this ignites something in me. I’m disheartened by the way i was and the lack of faith i had. I almost feel numb if you wanna call it that. Empty could be thrown in as well. I have so much work to do, and no clue how much time i have left. I just pray its enough to find myself again. Inshallah. And everyone who was in the same boat as me, know that you’re not the only one. Make the intention, and try your best. Never lose faith, no matter how long it takes.
Every year, one month out of 12. A blessed month where people reaffirm their beliefs and try to make themselves better for the year to come. Battling demons and desires as they truly want to change for the better. You see people that rarely show their faces, you eat food with groups, and getting to know others. A month where old habits die and new ones are trying to be maintained. This is where evil tends to dies, and good is supposed to be born.
Growing up, I always strived to be the best Muslim, especially in the month of Ramadan. Since i started going to college and working, my time is gone and i wish i could have done so much more in the past. I always wanted to memorize the Quran, I wanted to read more as the days went by. But now, I can barely fit a couple of pages in a day. It has become a month of struggle. Struggling to get back on the right track and struggling to fight against the bad habits that you got used to in the past months. I was always told that some people speak with their tongue, and speak with their heart. I’ve read posts and articles about people finally feeling some sort of peace in their prayers and finally, internally accepting Islam after years of just practicing. I ache and I pray that one day, before I’m gone from this world, that I can feel that peace that others feel in their soul. The feeling of finally accepting and being rewarded for trying their best. Islam is beautiful, and I pray that one day, I can lock all my devils away, and fall in love with something so great.
Ramadan comes around, just once a year, and for only 30 days. Holiest month for Muslims, where good deeds are increased, and bad ones remain the same. A month of forgiveness, a month of repentance. Where prayers are more likely accepted, and mercy is shown. Trying to get back into the rhythm of reading the Quran, and attempting to finish the holy book. Where we forget about sins, and face the beauty of Islam. Where the devil is locked up, and we find out which dirty habits he’s trapped us in. No voice to persuade us this time, no, just us doing the action. Where sin occurs by the man or woman themselves, something that frightens me the most. -F.Y.